In retrospect it seems like this journey I am on initiated a long time ago - in my childhood.
Some very vivid instances come to mind that make me think this....
I can't be entirely sure but this particular incident occured around the age of 11-12. The house was empty and I think I was contemplating about God and then suddenly I felt this huge wagve welling in my heart, something was filling up my heart and growing and growing and growing and a great surge of love, happiness and pain filled my heart to bursting point, and I ran madly around the house, as I couldn't contain IT shouting over and over again..'Where are you? where are you?' The tears wouldn't stop and it was a long time before I stopped crying. Its as if the physical boundaries between my heart and my surroundings had disappeared and I was this huge space - of what? A space that was one with the space around me - where my heart should have been......
Another incident, I can't be sure of the age - I was in the bathroom having a bath. I heard a procession outside on the road, some chanting going on to the beat of drums (a very common phenonmenon in India!) and I began to be filled with this huge joy, happiness, ecstacy! I started trembling, it felt as if my heart was expanding and expanding filled with this joy, so much so I feared I would explode or implode with this joy - the bliss simply couldn't be contained and the welling tears wouldn't stop. I stood there shivering in the bathroom for a very long time...I don't know how long....
One more vivid experience, this slightly different from the above two and I think I was slightly older then, perhaps into my teens by then. It was afternoon and the noisy Mumbai traffic was roaring by on the main road. We lived in an apartment block right on the main road, so it was never quiet. I walked out into the balcony of the apartment and stood observing the traffic in front of me and suddenly everything went still (within me? outside of me? I was never able to tell!). I suddenly felt as if I was observing everything from a great distance - I was very still and aware, observing everything around and before me and yet I was enveloped in such peace! I was not lost in some reverie; That stillness, was something different, something out of this world or of this world -it felt like the stillness within which everything else exists?
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
Monday, 16 November 2009
16/Nov/09 - A Discovery.
I have been led to discover Sri Ramana Maharshi -
A series of visions have led me to him and my quest will now lead me to the Ramanasrama in Tiruvanamallai -
Sequence of events -
- Two years ago I began meditation, meditated regularly for a year.
- Then began what I think is either a Pranotthana or beginnings of the Kundalini awakening and so I stopped meditation, but visualisation continued in one form or the other.
- And then began visions, am not sure if they are visions or lucid dreams? But unlike dreams I am not totally unconscious, I am internally awake and watchful and aware of what is going on - this leads me to believe that they are visions.
Once such intense vision -
- I am walking up a hill, surrounded by big black boulders. I briefly wonder whether I am asleep or awake, but my alertness convinces me that I am in no dream state. The vision is unfolding, flickring like a film against my closed eyelids. I look at the boulders, I wonder where I am , they seem familiar. They look like the boulders I had seen in Mahabalipuram as a child. Then I see huge carvings of faces in the rocks - with helments, long ear lobes, big eyes. I wondered if they were some sort of Mayan carvings. As I continued walking up the hill, I see a huge flock of elephants charging towards me, I stand in the middle of the path, panicking that I would be crushed under them. But as they reach me, they turn into carvings on the rock face. I continue forward and then stand still, everything has gone very quiet, very very quiet and still and I ask a question - 'Where am I?' and I receive a very clear reply -
'This is the place where no time and space exists'.
Since then I have been trying to find out what this place is - looking for images and references on the internet.
The other interesting aspect has been, that though I am a lover of Lord Krishna and it is his name that I tend to chant, all the visions I have always had, have in some way or other been related to Shiva.
Parallel to this another set of events have been unfolding -
I have been longing for a guru and have been praying for divine providence to be led to one.
since I have since childhood grown up with stories and influences of Sri Ramakrishna Paramhamsa, he has always been my spiritual guru but what I longed for was a living guru to turn to. So I contacted the head of the Ramakrishna Mission here in UK. He very graciously granted to see me and speak to me and though a very gracious presence, I still did not feel that he was my Guru and my search continued.
I then came across a reference to 'Mooji' a teacher in the Non-dual (Advait vendanta) tradition on Patricia Bralley's blog. Following up on which I attended his satsang here in London. This then finally led me to Sri Ramana Maharshi and I felt as if I had reached home! I devoured every bit of information I could on him - For past week I have been reading up non-stop on him, and anything and everything on him, his devotees and the tears haven't stopped streaming. I have felt compelled to start meditating again.
One of the biggest source of information was David Godman and Realisation.org. On this website I finally found the answer, that I am utterly convinced is right, to what the place in my vision was. It was in an account by a Mr.Krishnamurti Aiyer a Physics Professor who is now 92yrs old, who tells about his experience with Bhagwan - where in his vision he sees the Arunachala (mountain) becoming transparent and in its centre a Shivalinga!
I had my answer. The hill was The Arunachala, the abode of Sri Ramana Maharshi, that had called him at the age of 16 and where Sri Ramana lived until his samadhi. I feel I have been called to him. He is the Guru I have been searching for. Through him I have been led to Lakshmana Swamy and his disciple Mathru Sri Saradamma, the only two who have without doubt attained the self and reside there always.
Reclusive Living Gurus, who have no interest, in name, fame, possessions. Who do not seek to market themselves, who are Jnanis in the truest sense of the word. The only ones in direct lineage with Sri Ramana Maharshi himself.
Sri Saradamma is said to give darshan only on the Dec 25th.
I have made up mind to go to Tiruvanamallai and meditate outside her compound on that day.
If it is willed by divine Grace I shall have her darshan and I hope she will have me as her disciple. If not, that is divine will too and I will wait for the day when i shall be deemed worthy enough for grace to be granted.
A series of visions have led me to him and my quest will now lead me to the Ramanasrama in Tiruvanamallai -
Sequence of events -
- Two years ago I began meditation, meditated regularly for a year.
- Then began what I think is either a Pranotthana or beginnings of the Kundalini awakening and so I stopped meditation, but visualisation continued in one form or the other.
- And then began visions, am not sure if they are visions or lucid dreams? But unlike dreams I am not totally unconscious, I am internally awake and watchful and aware of what is going on - this leads me to believe that they are visions.
Once such intense vision -
- I am walking up a hill, surrounded by big black boulders. I briefly wonder whether I am asleep or awake, but my alertness convinces me that I am in no dream state. The vision is unfolding, flickring like a film against my closed eyelids. I look at the boulders, I wonder where I am , they seem familiar. They look like the boulders I had seen in Mahabalipuram as a child. Then I see huge carvings of faces in the rocks - with helments, long ear lobes, big eyes. I wondered if they were some sort of Mayan carvings. As I continued walking up the hill, I see a huge flock of elephants charging towards me, I stand in the middle of the path, panicking that I would be crushed under them. But as they reach me, they turn into carvings on the rock face. I continue forward and then stand still, everything has gone very quiet, very very quiet and still and I ask a question - 'Where am I?' and I receive a very clear reply -
'This is the place where no time and space exists'.
Since then I have been trying to find out what this place is - looking for images and references on the internet.
The other interesting aspect has been, that though I am a lover of Lord Krishna and it is his name that I tend to chant, all the visions I have always had, have in some way or other been related to Shiva.
Parallel to this another set of events have been unfolding -
I have been longing for a guru and have been praying for divine providence to be led to one.
since I have since childhood grown up with stories and influences of Sri Ramakrishna Paramhamsa, he has always been my spiritual guru but what I longed for was a living guru to turn to. So I contacted the head of the Ramakrishna Mission here in UK. He very graciously granted to see me and speak to me and though a very gracious presence, I still did not feel that he was my Guru and my search continued.
I then came across a reference to 'Mooji' a teacher in the Non-dual (Advait vendanta) tradition on Patricia Bralley's blog. Following up on which I attended his satsang here in London. This then finally led me to Sri Ramana Maharshi and I felt as if I had reached home! I devoured every bit of information I could on him - For past week I have been reading up non-stop on him, and anything and everything on him, his devotees and the tears haven't stopped streaming. I have felt compelled to start meditating again.
One of the biggest source of information was David Godman and Realisation.org. On this website I finally found the answer, that I am utterly convinced is right, to what the place in my vision was. It was in an account by a Mr.Krishnamurti Aiyer a Physics Professor who is now 92yrs old, who tells about his experience with Bhagwan - where in his vision he sees the Arunachala (mountain) becoming transparent and in its centre a Shivalinga!
I had my answer. The hill was The Arunachala, the abode of Sri Ramana Maharshi, that had called him at the age of 16 and where Sri Ramana lived until his samadhi. I feel I have been called to him. He is the Guru I have been searching for. Through him I have been led to Lakshmana Swamy and his disciple Mathru Sri Saradamma, the only two who have without doubt attained the self and reside there always.
Reclusive Living Gurus, who have no interest, in name, fame, possessions. Who do not seek to market themselves, who are Jnanis in the truest sense of the word. The only ones in direct lineage with Sri Ramana Maharshi himself.
Sri Saradamma is said to give darshan only on the Dec 25th.
I have made up mind to go to Tiruvanamallai and meditate outside her compound on that day.
If it is willed by divine Grace I shall have her darshan and I hope she will have me as her disciple. If not, that is divine will too and I will wait for the day when i shall be deemed worthy enough for grace to be granted.
Thursday, 5 November 2009
4/11/09 - A Dream.
I am carrying a baby in my arms, holding it very close to my body, trying to protect it.
The baby is naked and I try to cover it, hug it, to protect it. That's the dominant emotion/feeling - protection, love, vulnerble. But the baby is not really mine, I am not the parent and yet the baby is dearer to me than any other.
The baby and I are in a house and then we are out of the house/apartment and we are lost. I ask for help, to find our house, we are shown another, apartment. As I stumble around, trying to go to this new apartment, the baby somehow falls from my arms and is caked in wet, claylike mud. I rush to scoop the baby back up in my arms and hold it close to my body, hugging it, trying to cover its naked body to protect it from the cold wind.
I carry the baby to this new house and start exploring it, making various comments on it, and baby- talking to the baby. The floor of the house is unfinished, the rooms are unfinished but I am satisfied, as its a bigger house. I look at the baby and coo at it and it laughs, and the sound fills me with joy. Suddenly i notice the baby has some jewellery on it! I also notice a small snake slithering away on the unfinished floor of the flat and feel relieved that it didn't harm the baby...
And with that relief, I wake up....
Analysis:
The baby could be the aspect of me that is vulnerable, I am feeling vulnerable - very likely considering the events that are currently unfolding in my life. A house is a very clear representation of the 'soul'. A baby seeking a home - hmmmm - the vulnerable aspect seeking protection and looking to a higher power, a desire for growth, knowledge. Seeking knowledge to seek relief from vulnerability and pain.........???
The baby is naked and I try to cover it, hug it, to protect it. That's the dominant emotion/feeling - protection, love, vulnerble. But the baby is not really mine, I am not the parent and yet the baby is dearer to me than any other.
The baby and I are in a house and then we are out of the house/apartment and we are lost. I ask for help, to find our house, we are shown another, apartment. As I stumble around, trying to go to this new apartment, the baby somehow falls from my arms and is caked in wet, claylike mud. I rush to scoop the baby back up in my arms and hold it close to my body, hugging it, trying to cover its naked body to protect it from the cold wind.
I carry the baby to this new house and start exploring it, making various comments on it, and baby- talking to the baby. The floor of the house is unfinished, the rooms are unfinished but I am satisfied, as its a bigger house. I look at the baby and coo at it and it laughs, and the sound fills me with joy. Suddenly i notice the baby has some jewellery on it! I also notice a small snake slithering away on the unfinished floor of the flat and feel relieved that it didn't harm the baby...
And with that relief, I wake up....
Analysis:
The baby could be the aspect of me that is vulnerable, I am feeling vulnerable - very likely considering the events that are currently unfolding in my life. A house is a very clear representation of the 'soul'. A baby seeking a home - hmmmm - the vulnerable aspect seeking protection and looking to a higher power, a desire for growth, knowledge. Seeking knowledge to seek relief from vulnerability and pain.........???
Saturday, 31 October 2009
30/Oct/09 - Vision/dream?
At some point during the night, I was suddenly woken up by a roar, a high pitched sound in my ear like a rocket, a supersonic jet; a loud buzzing, of Energy (?) and then I was lifted higher and higher and higher at a great speed. Everything was spinning around me, and visions, initially in black and white flickered in front of my eyes in great speed - symbols, signs, diagrams, i tried looking at them closely, trying to see whether i could identify any; some looked like heiroglyphs, some looked like algebraic equations. (I have had similar visions before - and remember saying in frustration, 'Why are you showing me all this? Things that I can't understand! Show me something I can understand!')Then there were flashes of carved sculptures, from inside of a cave? temple? can't be sure. Still spinning at great speed, still rising higher and huge amount of energy in my hands? head? can't be sure. I was afraid I would be flung around and shattered and I mentally screamed, I surrender to you God - take me where you will! and i even tried to focus on Sri Ramakrishna's face, but the speed was so great that I couldn't. Suddenly I started coming down, and I flung my arms out to hover just above the ground! Which meant that I could control my 'flight'?! The energy inside (?) me was still buzzing. I was hovering at ground level -but it was inside a courtyard of a house or the terrace of a building and I remember seeing a plant just beside me. As I looked up and rose a little higher again, I saw the city lights glimmering just ahead and below me!
Was this an OBE? was this a vision? Did the Kundalini Energy rise up again inside? and this time at such a great speed - that I was in a alterned state of consciousness?
I don't know....
Was this an OBE? was this a vision? Did the Kundalini Energy rise up again inside? and this time at such a great speed - that I was in a alterned state of consciousness?
I don't know....
In the beginning...
...what did happen?
A crisis in my life forced me to take up meditation - I had been meditating for a year when my spine started rocking, and the phenomenon just kept occuring - after a lot of reading, i finally discovered - the Kundalini Phenoment.
This was two years ago - did not keep any records but I am now starting - a diary.
A crisis in my life forced me to take up meditation - I had been meditating for a year when my spine started rocking, and the phenomenon just kept occuring - after a lot of reading, i finally discovered - the Kundalini Phenoment.
This was two years ago - did not keep any records but I am now starting - a diary.
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