Saturday 12 December 2009

12/Dec/09 - Random rumination: The problem of Pain and Evil.

A few 'insights' (if they can be called that!) have happened along this path that I am trundling along. I tend to call them 'insights' because they appeared spontaneously, without, any active thinking on my part; they appeared as though suddenly plucked out of space and put into my mindspace - with no prior thinking involved. The words simply appeared....

'All pain is Resistance, all evil is Ignorance'.

Once this appeared, then, began the thinking - the looking from all directions, to try and verify the accuracy of what had appeared. To apply it to every life situation and to check the validity of the 'insight'.

It is because we refuse to accept any given situation as it exists and then attempt to change it to what we think is an ideal situation and fail miserably to do either, that there consequently is pain. Acceptance is key to any situation. That of course does not mean that we stop 'doing' anything, or stop taking appropriate action to try and rectify a situation or bring about a solution. Karma forms a part of the experience of life but we must inevitably accept that, which cannot be changed. Of course this is a well - known psychological fact, which it is, but for me, the above arose spontaneously with no prior active thinking whatsoever. The appearance was non-contextual wasn't a thought, it was just that - An Appearance.

The second half was a bit more difficult to fathom. 'Evil' can appear in many ways and takes many forms. I took the worst possible scenario and the most obvious form - people killing each other - wars, murders, terrorism. In each case, the act arises out of one person or group, wanting to prove a point to another; wanting to prove themselves superior to others and out of plain hate; this hate again arises out of ignorance of the 'other'; each reason thus has its root in the inherent ignorance - of the truth of a situation; ignorance of the nature of other's reality; ignorance of another's situation; ignorance of the other's motivation; ignorance of the other's culture, religion and; ignorance of the purpose of being human and finally and the root of all roots - Ignorance of our 'true' nature.

And that leads to the questions - what IS my true nature?

Who am I?

(to be contd...)

Wednesday 9 December 2009

9/Dec/09 - Growth.

Through all this, I ask myself - what have I actually learnt? If anything?

Everything that is happening, all the drama of visions unfolding, of energy movements, of spontaneous kriyas and mudras occuring - instinctively I know, I should not attach much importance to them. These phenomena are temporary by their very nature, they shall come and they shall go. Why get attached to them? And what purpose do they serve? I look upon them only as an ecouragement - manifestations, that confirm that there is certainly more to this Infinite Universe than what is observable merely by the five senses, so limited are they! And yet we build up our entire lives around what is perceived through these limited instruments. 'I' am merely the witness.

There have been no sudden and dramatic shifts in 'consciousness', no upheavals and no dramas of epic proportions on my spiritual path. It appears as though all this is not a 'journey' as in getting somewhere or 'achieving' something. Instead, it has been a steady 'chipping away' of dross, if you will, something I wasn't even 'aware' was happening, until suddenly - I was - AWARE.

I became aware of an 'Awareness' that was 'aware'. I found myself observing the drama of what is termed as 'me'/'I'. Again 'I' am aware that I haven't yet reached THAT which every spiritual guru worth his salt talks about! But the frequency with which I once got lost in the drama of thoughts, emotions, personalties and generally the chaos-that the world -appears- to be, has reduced to a great extent. Most of the time, in situations, that have the potential to generate a great deal of stress, do not generate it - because - this 'Awareness' steps in, of its own doing!

For all that has happened and is happening, I have no sense of 'doership', it has happened because it has happened, perhaps because of THAT which is, no effort is mine. All I can 'feel' and 'know' is that it is THY will. That too is a dualistic thought - I am Aware - that it is. But. It does not matter to me, It too shall pass, as does everything.

Thoughts, I am beginning to see, are really of no consequence, they merely muddy the waters. Philosophising is helpful to some extent, a theorising, but ultimately, 'KNOWING' is what should be and I am not there yet. Again I don't think I can really 'do' anything, only when Grace is granted, perhaps, that I will know THAT which IS.

Meanwhile I am content to just BE.

Tuesday 8 December 2009

8/Dec/09 - Lightning.

Around 1999-2000, I had an intense and vivid vision/dream (?), which in retrospect seems to me to have been one of the most important marker in this journey. It was a pointer, a precursor of things to come....

I 'saw' that there was a Lighthouse at the edge of a Pier. I was sitting on the edge of the pier on the lowermost steps of the Lighthouse, with my legs in the ocean. Dolphins were gambolling around my feet, laughing up at me! Suddenly a a very bright bolt of lightning struck the ocean right in front of me. At the point of impact, the the lightning bolt exploded into a million splinters of beautiful, coloured light. So bright was the light, such was the intensity, that my hands flew up to cover my eyes and I woke up!

I have never forgotten this dream or was it a vision?! Such was the vividness, that its been etched forever in my mind. I can't help wonder if this bolt of 'lightning' was actually a depiction of the 'Kundalini' Shakti herself? Such is the intensity of colours, the vividness, the 'realness'! Such is the magnitude of meaning, that makes itself apparent, impresses upon the mind, it is impossible to ignore or to just dismiss it as being without meaning.

What is difficult, is to decipher the meaning!

P.S:

Yesterday, I was woken up again at night - by an intense buzzing in the ears and the feeling of electricity coursing through my body. My teeth were vibrating with what felt like an electrical charge, which caused some discomfort and this is what woke me up. The charge coursing through was not something imagined. The currents of energy over my face lasted for some time, the currents flowing quite strongly through my nostrils. This is something that happens quite often.

Sunday 22 November 2009

22/Nov/09 - Kundalini ?? (2)

- Then came the phase of intense kriyas. Often when I meditate or simply concentrate, energy in my body moves and gently but insistently pushes me into various postures which seem to be various yogic asanas. These are fluid and graceful – if I attempt to do these on my own, I am simply unable to do them and certainly with no grace what so ever! Now, I find, there are 'mudras' that happen spontaenously. My hands move gracefully of their own volition, with the fingers assuming various positions.

- I often searched for the images meaning of these 'mudras' on the net and have found various images, corresponding, to the Buddhist and yogic traditions in India. Apparently, these mudras cause an allignment and manipulation of energy fields around the body, corresponding to the various 'chakras' or energy centres around the body. I have through experienced that these postures have at various points concentrated on areas specifically associated with these so called chakras (and correspondingly at the positions various glands in our bodies). Its very interesting to note that these chakras and the glandular locations are almost identical -

(these of course are my own observations and conjectures and do not assert them as being the truth!)

- The 'Sahasrara' chakra at the top of the head seems to corresponds to the Hypothalamus, which isn't a gland in itself, but is responsible for controlling the endocrine glands.
- The 'Ajna' chakra between the eyes, corresponds to the location of the Pineal gland.
- The 'Vishuddha' chakra supposedly located at the throat, corresponding to the Thyroid gland.
- The 'Anahata' chakra at the Heart location seems to correspond to the 'Thymus'glands.
- The 'Manipura' chakra to the Pancreas at Solar Plexus and the
- 'Swadhistan' and 'Muladhar' chakra possibly to the adrenals and ovaries and testes.

And whenever these 'mudras' occured, they seemed to centre on each of the above locations and often there was an innate knowing that let me know that it was all for my benefit - that these 'functions' were being corrected in some way.

And one of the most amazing aspects of all this is the presence of vision of what I call the 'Inner Guru' - split second before a mudra would occur, I could 'see', a pair of beautiful , lavender-blue, hands performing the mudra! It was as if I was being guided, or rather my hands were being guided to perform those mudras!

I have no way of explaining any of this, all I can say, is that perhaps grace in some small measure has been granted to this undeserving person, who can only bow her head in total surrender and supplication......

Saturday 21 November 2009

21/Nov/09 - Kundalini?? (1)

Over the last two years - there has been an occurence of certain phenomena, symptoms that seem to match in description to what has been classically described - as the 'Kundalini ' awakening. I am still not entirely sure that it is what it is, perhaps it could just be 'Pranotthana', an increase of the Prana in the body prior to an actual awakening, which is often said to mimic an actual awakening. Certainly my symptoms aren't as severe as those described by Gopi Krishna in his books. But they are certainly 'things' that I can't ignore, because they are so out of the realm of what we would describe as 'normal' and that they are so 'real', not something that my imagination has conjured up!

The signs and symptoms started off as follows-
- A violent rocking of the spine whenever I meditated, it was a rocking that began at the base of the spine, and made me move back and forth and sometimes sideways. I could stop it if I willed it to stop and if I opened my eyes and stopped concentrating or meditating.

- Soon I began to feel energy movements all over my body, most of the times this was accompanied by intense bliss and intoxication - almost as if drunk! This bliss could be so intense that it was almost like experiencing a body orgasm without any thought of sex. Sometimes there actually were orgasms - again without any sexual thoughts whatsoever. This still continues to happen but to a much lesser degree now.

- Then sometimes, the energy seemed to get stuck in the head, generating intense pressure from within, as if trying to get out. This caused a great deal of discomfort - but it felt different to any type of headache - a tension headache or even a migraine. Later I learnt to lessen the pressures somewhat by concentrating on my heart. The energy seemed to flow into the heart lessening the pressure in the head and sometimes even by eating. I presume it was then utilised in the act of digestion itself. This seems to tie in without Gopi Krishna's experience, where he stressed the importance of eating properly and the overall effect on energy.

- There were times, when I would feel very irritable and loose my temper often, this was a direct result of feeling strange 'crawling' sensations on my body - that is the closest word I can find to describe the sensations, but that's not quite how it was. And aches and pains all over the body, flu like symptoms, without any cold or cough or fever. The 'crawling' has almost disappeared but the aches and pains have remained. And I am trying to resolve whether there are any medical reasons behind it just to eliminate all possibilities. I do not want to blindly believe that this is the result of the Kundalini. During this time I have developed problems with my thyroid and I am taking thyroxine to remedy it. It is often been documented (from whatever I have read on the net itself and many books) that CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) is often a result of Kundalini.

- I have had a phase - when I experienced severe heat flushes in my body in the middle of winter( and I am a person who feels constantly cold!) so this was very strange indeed. I would have night sweats and extreme heat in my head, palms, spine. I even went to the doctor to check whether I was experiencing menopausal symptoms! The doctor eliminated that possibility completely. And these symptoms stopped as abruptly as they had begun.

- Often as I lie down quietly in bed, just before falling asleep, I have found that beautiful 'bubbles' of extremely blissful energy blows up from thebase of my spine to my neck. This energy is specifically concentrated in my spine is not 'scattered' all over body. It follows a very clear path and my spine often 'jerks' as if having received an electric shock, albeit and extremely mild one. And often I wondered how this could possibly be 'Kundalini' which has been described variously as a 'roar' up the spine with extreme heat.

- And then one day - it happened! This laser like spasm of intense heat shooting up in a concentrated beam up my spine but it stopped at thebase of my neck as if unable to proceed any further, as if it had encountered a 'block' and fallen down again! I felt as if I had been scalded by a hot liquid over my spine. Next day when I looked at my back, I found a large boil on my spine, just at the base of my neck. It certainly looked like the 'real' thing if only for a second. Just as well it didn't last longer or go further - god alone knows what would have happened and whether I could have handled 'IT'. This never happened again, though the pleasant 'bubbling' in the spine has continued and I am grateful, that the goddess is giving me only as much as I can handle.

- Then came the phase of intense 'kriyas'. Often when I meditate or even simply concentrate, energy in mybody moves and gently but insistently pushes me into various postures, yogic postures and asanas. These are fluid and graceful - if I attempt to do these on my own, I am simply unable to do them, and certainly there is no grace what so ever!

(to be contd...)

Wednesday 18 November 2009

18/Nov/09 - Confirmation!

I am so elated! I think, I finally have, a definitive confirmation, that the hill / mountain in my vision was definitely Arunachala - especially with regards to the message that somehow transmitted itself to me, that said -

'This is the place where no time and space exists!'

The confirmation being as follows -
(I came across this information on David Godman's website)

A devotee of Sri Ramana Maharshi was trying to convince Bhagwan to visit his native Chidambaram and the temple of Shiva therein. He tried to convince Bhagwan by citing that the Shiva-linga in Chindambaram was of more importance because it was the one that represented the element of 'Space' - and space contained the remaining four elements of earth, fire, water and air. And that the Shiva-linga in the Arunachala was one that represented the Fire.

On hearing this Bhagwan was known to have said that all the five elements are creations of the Shakti (the feminine energy) she is superior to them all. They can exist only when Shakti has lost her identification with Lord Shiva. Therefore more important is the place where Shakti merges than the place where all elements merge. Which in turn means that Space itself cannot exist because Shakti herself does not exist as herself any more - she has merged with the Supreme Lord herself!

Therefore it follows that no 'Space' exists in the Arunachala and consequently no 'Time'!

My faith needs nothing more than this to convince me - that the Mountain in my vision was indeed the sacred Arunachala!

I have been wondering - what is leading me on to this quest? Why am I on this so called 'spiritual' path? What am I seeking? The answer that comes to my mind - is well - to find answers! To fundamental questions, like, why was this universe created? Why are we here? What is the purpose of all creation? of humanity? Knowledge or ('Dnyan / Jnan' in sanskrit) -for me is the ultimate goal.

And again it is said -
'Arunachala is a secret kshetra. Because it is this place that bestows jnana and because most people have so many other desires and do not truly want jnana, Arunachala has always remained comparatively little known. But to those few who seek jnana, Arunachala always makes itself known through some means or other.'

(The above information has been taken from David Godman's website.)

And so it has...


Tuesday 17 November 2009

17/Nov/09 - Childhood incidents.

In retrospect it seems like this journey I am on initiated a long time ago - in my childhood.
Some very vivid instances come to mind that make me think this....

I can't be entirely sure but this particular incident occured around the age of 11-12. The house was empty and I think I was contemplating about God and then suddenly I felt this huge wagve welling in my heart, something was filling up my heart and growing and growing and growing and a great surge of love, happiness and pain filled my heart to bursting point, and I ran madly around the house, as I couldn't contain IT shouting over and over again..'Where are you? where are you?' The tears wouldn't stop and it was a long time before I stopped crying. Its as if the physical boundaries between my heart and my surroundings had disappeared and I was this huge space - of what? A space that was one with the space around me - where my heart should have been......

Another incident, I can't be sure of the age - I was in the bathroom having a bath. I heard a procession outside on the road, some chanting going on to the beat of drums (a very common phenonmenon in India!) and I began to be filled with this huge joy, happiness, ecstacy! I started trembling, it felt as if my heart was expanding and expanding filled with this joy, so much so I feared I would explode or implode with this joy - the bliss simply couldn't be contained and the welling tears wouldn't stop. I stood there shivering in the bathroom for a very long time...I don't know how long....

One more vivid experience, this slightly different from the above two and I think I was slightly older then, perhaps into my teens by then. It was afternoon and the noisy Mumbai traffic was roaring by on the main road. We lived in an apartment block right on the main road, so it was never quiet. I walked out into the balcony of the apartment and stood observing the traffic in front of me and suddenly everything went still (within me? outside of me? I was never able to tell!). I suddenly felt as if I was observing everything from a great distance - I was very still and aware, observing everything around and before me and yet I was enveloped in such peace! I was not lost in some reverie; That stillness, was something different, something out of this world or of this world -it felt like the stillness within which everything else exists?

Monday 16 November 2009

16/Nov/09 - A Discovery.

I have been led to discover Sri Ramana Maharshi -
A series of visions have led me to him and my quest will now lead me to the Ramanasrama in Tiruvanamallai -

Sequence of events -

- Two years ago I began meditation, meditated regularly for a year.
- Then began what I think is either a Pranotthana or beginnings of the Kundalini awakening and so I stopped meditation, but visualisation continued in one form or the other.
- And then began visions, am not sure if they are visions or lucid dreams? But unlike dreams I am not totally unconscious, I am internally awake and watchful and aware of what is going on - this leads me to believe that they are visions.

Once such intense vision -
- I am walking up a hill, surrounded by big black boulders. I briefly wonder whether I am asleep or awake, but my alertness convinces me that I am in no dream state. The vision is unfolding, flickring like a film against my closed eyelids. I look at the boulders, I wonder where I am , they seem familiar. They look like the boulders I had seen in Mahabalipuram as a child. Then I see huge carvings of faces in the rocks - with helments, long ear lobes, big eyes. I wondered if they were some sort of Mayan carvings. As I continued walking up the hill, I see a huge flock of elephants charging towards me, I stand in the middle of the path, panicking that I would be crushed under them. But as they reach me, they turn into carvings on the rock face. I continue forward and then stand still, everything has gone very quiet, very very quiet and still and I ask a question - 'Where am I?' and I receive a very clear reply -

'This is the place where no time and space exists'.

Since then I have been trying to find out what this place is - looking for images and references on the internet.

The other interesting aspect has been, that though I am a lover of Lord Krishna and it is his name that I tend to chant, all the visions I have always had, have in some way or other been related to Shiva.

Parallel to this another set of events have been unfolding -

I have been longing for a guru and have been praying for divine providence to be led to one.
since I have since childhood grown up with stories and influences of Sri Ramakrishna Paramhamsa, he has always been my spiritual guru but what I longed for was a living guru to turn to. So I contacted the head of the Ramakrishna Mission here in UK. He very graciously granted to see me and speak to me and though a very gracious presence, I still did not feel that he was my Guru and my search continued.

I then came across a reference to 'Mooji' a teacher in the Non-dual (Advait vendanta) tradition on Patricia Bralley's blog. Following up on which I attended his satsang here in London. This then finally led me to Sri Ramana Maharshi and I felt as if I had reached home! I devoured every bit of information I could on him - For past week I have been reading up non-stop on him, and anything and everything on him, his devotees and the tears haven't stopped streaming. I have felt compelled to start meditating again.

One of the biggest source of information was David Godman and Realisation.org. On this website I finally found the answer, that I am utterly convinced is right, to what the place in my vision was. It was in an account by a Mr.Krishnamurti Aiyer a Physics Professor who is now 92yrs old, who tells about his experience with Bhagwan - where in his vision he sees the Arunachala (mountain) becoming transparent and in its centre a Shivalinga!

I had my answer. The hill was The Arunachala, the abode of Sri Ramana Maharshi, that had called him at the age of 16 and where Sri Ramana lived until his samadhi. I feel I have been called to him. He is the Guru I have been searching for. Through him I have been led to Lakshmana Swamy and his disciple Mathru Sri Saradamma, the only two who have without doubt attained the self and reside there always.

Reclusive Living Gurus, who have no interest, in name, fame, possessions. Who do not seek to market themselves, who are Jnanis in the truest sense of the word. The only ones in direct lineage with Sri Ramana Maharshi himself.

Sri Saradamma is said to give darshan only on the Dec 25th.
I have made up mind to go to Tiruvanamallai and meditate outside her compound on that day.

If it is willed by divine Grace I shall have her darshan and I hope she will have me as her disciple. If not, that is divine will too and I will wait for the day when i shall be deemed worthy enough for grace to be granted.

Thursday 5 November 2009

4/11/09 - A Dream.

I am carrying a baby in my arms, holding it very close to my body, trying to protect it.
The baby is naked and I try to cover it, hug it, to protect it. That's the dominant emotion/feeling - protection, love, vulnerble. But the baby is not really mine, I am not the parent and yet the baby is dearer to me than any other.

The baby and I are in a house and then we are out of the house/apartment and we are lost. I ask for help, to find our house, we are shown another, apartment. As I stumble around, trying to go to this new apartment, the baby somehow falls from my arms and is caked in wet, claylike mud. I rush to scoop the baby back up in my arms and hold it close to my body, hugging it, trying to cover its naked body to protect it from the cold wind.

I carry the baby to this new house and start exploring it, making various comments on it, and baby- talking to the baby. The floor of the house is unfinished, the rooms are unfinished but I am satisfied, as its a bigger house. I look at the baby and coo at it and it laughs, and the sound fills me with joy. Suddenly i notice the baby has some jewellery on it! I also notice a small snake slithering away on the unfinished floor of the flat and feel relieved that it didn't harm the baby...

And with that relief, I wake up....

Analysis:
The baby could be the aspect of me that is vulnerable, I am feeling vulnerable - very likely considering the events that are currently unfolding in my life. A house is a very clear representation of the 'soul'. A baby seeking a home - hmmmm - the vulnerable aspect seeking protection and looking to a higher power, a desire for growth, knowledge. Seeking knowledge to seek relief from vulnerability and pain.........???

Saturday 31 October 2009

30/Oct/09 - Vision/dream?

At some point during the night, I was suddenly woken up by a roar, a high pitched sound in my ear like a rocket, a supersonic jet; a loud buzzing, of Energy (?) and then I was lifted higher and higher and higher at a great speed. Everything was spinning around me, and visions, initially in black and white flickered in front of my eyes in great speed - symbols, signs, diagrams, i tried looking at them closely, trying to see whether i could identify any; some looked like heiroglyphs, some looked like algebraic equations. (I have had similar visions before - and remember saying in frustration, 'Why are you showing me all this? Things that I can't understand! Show me something I can understand!')Then there were flashes of carved sculptures, from inside of a cave? temple? can't be sure. Still spinning at great speed, still rising higher and huge amount of energy in my hands? head? can't be sure. I was afraid I would be flung around and shattered and I mentally screamed, I surrender to you God - take me where you will! and i even tried to focus on Sri Ramakrishna's face, but the speed was so great that I couldn't. Suddenly I started coming down, and I flung my arms out to hover just above the ground! Which meant that I could control my 'flight'?! The energy inside (?) me was still buzzing. I was hovering at ground level -but it was inside a courtyard of a house or the terrace of a building and I remember seeing a plant just beside me. As I looked up and rose a little higher again, I saw the city lights glimmering just ahead and below me!

Was this an OBE? was this a vision? Did the Kundalini Energy rise up again inside? and this time at such a great speed - that I was in a alterned state of consciousness?

I don't know....

In the beginning...

...what did happen?

A crisis in my life forced me to take up meditation - I had been meditating for a year when my spine started rocking, and the phenomenon just kept occuring - after a lot of reading, i finally discovered - the Kundalini Phenoment.

This was two years ago - did not keep any records but I am now starting - a diary.